I've been more depressed than usual lately. I've tried to cheer myself up by cooking massive meals for myself, but have found that cooking for one has sent me spiralling into deeper bouts of loneliness than I anticipated. I've sat and listened to sappy singers, sappy bands, sappy slow jams they play on the radio. Sometimes it helps, other times it makes me feel lucky that I'm not as patheitic as the singer of the song. I've tried to absorb myself into my studies but ... well who am I trying to kid?

Everybody's got a xanga page now. My roommate showed me her friends' xanga pages and they're crazy! They have graphics flying through the screen, flipping a bitch then reversing to the opposite corners, all to the catchy tunes of Missy Elliot. I'm not quite sure if blogger supports that sort of thing, but my feeling is that its more trouble than its worth.

Was always afraid to look to the future -
The growing, the shrinking,
Stagnation and mostly
That in the grand scheme
Referred to as Life
I could not follow through,
It would be without you.

So I broke up with Jack this Monday. We weren't fighting. I just didn't think that he was the right guy, ya know? and so I figured that with that knowledge I couldn't go on being with him because it wouldn't be fiar for either of us. o that's pretty much what I said to him after dinner. It really came out of nowhere in our conversation, so understandably he was hurt and left without a goodbye , a farewell or anything. Just kind of abruptly left.

For the while I felt relieved that I had faced my fear and done what I knew in my heart to be the right thing. But then I tlaked to Julie on IM and she was like, " but I thought you really cared about him." and then I realized that I did. It sounds stupid because how could I have forgotten that ? But i guess it takes losing someone to realize how much you truly care about them and how much they really mean to you.

So I sat there, listening to some Nora Jones songs that I had downloaded, bawling and letting the truth set in. I knew I did the right thing, but why did it hurt so much? In between paper towels used for kleenex, i figured that it would only have hurt more to break it off later even though I still care him now, a lot.

(Has my faith in destiny rendered me incapable of present hapiness?)

Understandably, he ignores me and pretends I don't exist. Chris says its understandable, Carrie says its fucked up. Understandably, people do fucked up things to one another. I don't hold it against him.

To top things off, some crack-pot rear-ended me tonight and tried to take off. I tracked her down in a dark corner of a nearby parking lot, along with a strong, beautiful black woman who had seen the whole thing go down and decided to help. Its funny because before the accident I read her license plate and it read, "Respect and protect the Black Woman." I will never forget her.

Once again, it's finals time! Time of accelerated and frantic reading, writing and flat-out cramming is here. Good luck everyone out there who's enduring this same ol' shit. I'll be so glad to be done with school next quarter, despite warnings form friends that life outside of school is no good. I'll get my fair share of study-time once I start optometryschool, provided of course that I get in.