I still sit in front of my computer finding songs that accurately reflect how I feel inside. Some days I feel like everything's fine, that I can start to believe the lie that I'm moving on. Other days I sit in the empty halls of my school late at night while everyone else is out to eat and cry just loud enough for it to softly echo off the long beige walls. It still hurts tremendously. Not so much how it all came about, the circumstances of my loss, but more so the fact that he doesn't want me any more. I'm still living in this sort of dream that I can't escape. Dreams are hard to let go of... where exactly are you supposed to leave them? I hide it in my heart while it silently, slowly devours me.

On Monday I went to my lab that I didn't know was cancelled and so instead started drinking bottles of Kahlua (I'd been saving in my trunk) on top of the parking lot, blasting my music and laying out on the roof of my car looking at the sky.

I hardly know how to describe my days anymore. In a strange, twisted sort of way I love school because school preoccupies my thoughts from my darker desires. That's sick, isn't it? I would rather drown myself in neurons, lateral inhibition, contrast sensitivity and parvocellular pathways than face reality at this point.

Can someone tell me if I seem a bit deranged lately? I feel deranged...

Hard day...