Should I change the name of my blog? Any suggestions?

"Half a pack a day" doesn't seem nearly appropriate for a mother of a young infant, a mother who hasn't even mustered the courage to have a sip of wine, much less get in touch with her Camel-esque roots. Not to say I haven't been tempted by both prospects... but I know I will always be addicted to that mild flavor so I had better just stay away.

I've snuck away from my baby at the moment. She's sleeping in my bed and she probably thinks i'm still sleeping next to her. Time to myself is so rare these days. I live in fear that any minute she'll open her eyes and see that i'm not there, and that I'll have to spend the next hour consoling her tearful heart and soothe her to sleep. It's happened many times before and hearing her cry triggers the release of all the other stress that I have in my life. As a result I do whatever I can to avoid hearing her cry, which usually means I have to hold her ALL DAY LONG. In a typical day she'll be put down for less than an hour before bedtime - the other nine hours she's in my left arm, as I attempt to perform my daily functions with the use of only my right hand. Sometimes when she does cry I feel overwhelmed and so distant from her, like a terrible mother. Occasionally I'll have a meltdown and start yelling at her for a second, as if she'll understand. Eventually she'll cry herself to sleep in my arms and I'll climb into bed with her in my arms.

It's strange, you'd never think you had to learn how to fall asleep but some babies like mine can't fall asleep on their own. You can't just put them in their bed and expect them to drift off into dreamland. Mine always starts crying before bedtime, as if she needs to scream to block out the rest of the world before she can settle down to sleep. Meanwhile I have to soothe her by holding her, jiggling her, walking back and forth a hundred times before she's good to go to bed. I used to try to put her in her own bed, but now the only way I really get her to sleep well is if I take her to bed with me. I don't mind it at all right now, but it will become a problem later on. Right now it's the sweetest thing to have her fall asleep in my arms. I really recommend it because it creates a really nice bond with the child, but like i said it will cause problems later if they become too attached and you have to spend time weaning them off all that special treatment.

It's so weird. I feel so out of phase with the rest of the world since I've had the baby. It's hard to explain just how on lock-down you will be with a little human to take care of. My whole life revolves around Amelie right now, and admittedly I do miss the freedom I took so much for granted before. Even really simple stuff like eating lunch and going to the bathroom are like acrobatic feats with my little one. But then, it's really hard to explain how worth-it it is to take care of a cute little baby who, for the moment, reveres me practically as God. You can imagine how strong a love is when it is instantaneous, undeniable from the moment you first lay eyes on someone. I still spend hours of my day just staring at her, observing her googly little movements and the making of laughter and smiles at the corners of her mouth.