Returning to school is definitely harder than I thought it would be. It's heart-wrenching to be away from Amelie for so many hours, and it's hard making new friends in a class that's already established its cliques. Being at home for a year, surrounded only by loving and caring people (who I had the luxury to screen if need be) has made me slightly more introverted amongst strangers. Even when I muster enough courage to put myself "out there," very few of my classmates are responsive. It seems they are tired of obligatory first week of school-small talk - and frankly, so am I. One can only ask "where are you from?", "what undergrad did you go to?" and "so, do you commute or live around here?" so many times before both the flatness of your voice and complacency in your smile betray how disinterested you truly are.
School. Ugh.
8.25.2005
5.31.2005
5.08.2005
4.22.2005
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
I heard a staggering statistic today: 100 million trees are felled each year to send us junk mail each year. That's horrible, especially since junk mail is really more of a nuisance than anything.
Consider calling (888)567-8688 or going to www.optoutprescreen.com to have your name removed from pre-approved credit card mailings. This will save plenty of trees from being chopped down and possibly your credit from going down the drain.
Here's more information on how to eliminate junk mail . In this day and age of massive consumption and waste, it's increasingly difficult to be conscientious about our impact on this planet, and it's sad that we have to limit our good efforts to one day out of the entire year. Hopefully we can encourage one another throughout the year to live simply and resist buying things that will supposedly make us happier, when in the end too many possessions bog our spirits down rather than lift us up. I happen to believe most of us enjoy so many amenities that things like technology (i.e. cell phones, driving, computers, tv, digicams) work to complicate our lives unnecessarily. I know I'm probably one of the worst. I'm the kind of girl that will go into Target with the intention to buy some cotton balls but wind up spending over a hundred dollars in Stuff that eerily blends into the rest of the Stuff I've accumulated over the years.
As far as man has disconnected himself from the Earth, since the advent of agriculture to the laying down of thick slabs of concrete he has smothered the soil with, it is easy to forget the Earth is our home. Let's revere her today and celebrate all the great gifts and wonderful memories we've had with her, and resolve to do our part. Happy Earth Day everyone!
I heard a staggering statistic today: 100 million trees are felled each year to send us junk mail each year. That's horrible, especially since junk mail is really more of a nuisance than anything.
Consider calling (888)567-8688 or going to www.optoutprescreen.com to have your name removed from pre-approved credit card mailings. This will save plenty of trees from being chopped down and possibly your credit from going down the drain.
Here's more information on how to eliminate junk mail . In this day and age of massive consumption and waste, it's increasingly difficult to be conscientious about our impact on this planet, and it's sad that we have to limit our good efforts to one day out of the entire year. Hopefully we can encourage one another throughout the year to live simply and resist buying things that will supposedly make us happier, when in the end too many possessions bog our spirits down rather than lift us up. I happen to believe most of us enjoy so many amenities that things like technology (i.e. cell phones, driving, computers, tv, digicams) work to complicate our lives unnecessarily. I know I'm probably one of the worst. I'm the kind of girl that will go into Target with the intention to buy some cotton balls but wind up spending over a hundred dollars in Stuff that eerily blends into the rest of the Stuff I've accumulated over the years.
As far as man has disconnected himself from the Earth, since the advent of agriculture to the laying down of thick slabs of concrete he has smothered the soil with, it is easy to forget the Earth is our home. Let's revere her today and celebrate all the great gifts and wonderful memories we've had with her, and resolve to do our part. Happy Earth Day everyone!
4.18.2005
4.01.2005
I DREAM OF NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE
Brighter than a thousand suns... It's a recurring dream. The first time I was standing on a bridge that connected two amber skyscraper hotels, just as the sun was about to set. I saw a giant aluminum-encased missile fly past me and I knew then and there that I was about to die. Scared shitless, I hid myself in a room and ducked behind some sort of partition but the sound of impact was deafening and as I braced myself for my imminent death I could hear myself screaming as I felt and smelled the flesh of my body burn.
Two or three nights... maybe up to a week ago. I am in my backyard with Karen, Amelie and my dad. It's the morning and we're watching the birds and the fish, like I do with my dad every morning. Karen is holding Amelie. Out of the corner of my eye I see a bomb shoot across the friendly skyscape and I know we will all die in the twinkling of an eye. I grab a hold of my father because he is the body closest to me and push him to the ground, bracing my body for the impact but not before I tell him that I love him.
What is it that I'm afraid of? Today Terry Schiavo died and I hope she now rests in peace. Dignity compels me to affirm that I would rather go naturally than be sustained by a machine, but the truth is that I am afraid to die. Can I honestly say I'd rather walk into the infinite abyss of death than linger here on earth for as long as I can?
Perhaps this dream is telling me that life is too short and I better let people know how much I love them, before it is too late. Or myabe my dreams of a by-product of 9-11, exacerbated by how the press uses fear to influence public opinion in support of god-only-knows. Why would I experience something so intense and real in my dreams? I've had dreams of death since I was a little girl, presumably because my mother died... but I simply took for granted until now that maybe everyone had these kinds of dreams. That's what nightmares are, aren't they?
Feedback would be appreciated...
Brighter than a thousand suns... It's a recurring dream. The first time I was standing on a bridge that connected two amber skyscraper hotels, just as the sun was about to set. I saw a giant aluminum-encased missile fly past me and I knew then and there that I was about to die. Scared shitless, I hid myself in a room and ducked behind some sort of partition but the sound of impact was deafening and as I braced myself for my imminent death I could hear myself screaming as I felt and smelled the flesh of my body burn.
Two or three nights... maybe up to a week ago. I am in my backyard with Karen, Amelie and my dad. It's the morning and we're watching the birds and the fish, like I do with my dad every morning. Karen is holding Amelie. Out of the corner of my eye I see a bomb shoot across the friendly skyscape and I know we will all die in the twinkling of an eye. I grab a hold of my father because he is the body closest to me and push him to the ground, bracing my body for the impact but not before I tell him that I love him.
What is it that I'm afraid of? Today Terry Schiavo died and I hope she now rests in peace. Dignity compels me to affirm that I would rather go naturally than be sustained by a machine, but the truth is that I am afraid to die. Can I honestly say I'd rather walk into the infinite abyss of death than linger here on earth for as long as I can?
Perhaps this dream is telling me that life is too short and I better let people know how much I love them, before it is too late. Or myabe my dreams of a by-product of 9-11, exacerbated by how the press uses fear to influence public opinion in support of god-only-knows. Why would I experience something so intense and real in my dreams? I've had dreams of death since I was a little girl, presumably because my mother died... but I simply took for granted until now that maybe everyone had these kinds of dreams. That's what nightmares are, aren't they?
Feedback would be appreciated...
3.15.2005
Amelie and I are doing very well. In fact, today she is
five months old. Dude, time flies. and guess what? A couple of days
ago she sprouted her first pearly white. I was so proud I nearly
cried! hahaa, weird huh? I was really excited until she started biting
my nipples after eating and laughing about it, like the look of horror
on my face was the funniest thing in the world. Aiyah, babies. So
yeah, we're doing good. I decided that she's old enough to fall asleep
by herself. You know I used to hold her all the time and rock her and
baby her, but she's a big baby now and I've decided I can handle a
little more crying if it means she'll get a good, resorative nap and I
get a bit more personal time.
five months old. Dude, time flies. and guess what? A couple of days
ago she sprouted her first pearly white. I was so proud I nearly
cried! hahaa, weird huh? I was really excited until she started biting
my nipples after eating and laughing about it, like the look of horror
on my face was the funniest thing in the world. Aiyah, babies. So
yeah, we're doing good. I decided that she's old enough to fall asleep
by herself. You know I used to hold her all the time and rock her and
baby her, but she's a big baby now and I've decided I can handle a
little more crying if it means she'll get a good, resorative nap and I
get a bit more personal time.
3.03.2005
Okay update, update...
It's pretty sad I don't have very much to write about these days. If you were to ask how I was doing, first I would go into a spiel about how Amelie is doing wonderfully and is growing at the speed of a dandelion and that she is behaving well although she does give me a hard time every half hour or so. Then I might go into certain relations with certain people and share my pleasure that I seem to be getting along with them so very well as of late. And then a minute after the question was posed I'd quite run out of things to say about myself and dive into the latest gossip concerning family, friends and mostly acquaintances. The latter portion of our talk would constitute the majority of my update and before long I'd ask questions about you.
---But you probably don't want to read that crap. Allow me do what I have not done in some time and reflect out loud:
I received an envelope for Valentines Day, filled with pictures from when I backpacked across Europe one summer four years ago. It made me misty eyed.
Amelie makes the greatest gestures with her bright pink lips. She has my eyes and I know this because her right eye is a little squintier than her left. For the last two days she's burst into tears everytime I'd leave the room.
Sometimes I laugh with her. Sometimes I sing to her. I've read her "The Runaway Bunny" more times than I can count. I've shouted at her a handful of times and spanked her butt twice. The idea of leaving her for school this fall makes me ill.
Someone died in the house across the street. Either a suicide or murder, probably a murder. Last night I saw my next door neighbor get assaulted after dark as I was looking out my window. I'm beginning to think my neighborhood is not as safe as it looks.
I am still in unrequited love. (now more than ever?) Can't bring myself to have casual "relations" to "get over it." (<---- Was my NY resolution) but have been pretty good about ignoring my feelings. Time can change everything... a new season of my life.
One best friend is getting ready to revisit two continents. Another is returning home from the other side of the planet. Yet another is in relationship woe. I however have been lacking in "relations" for nearly a year.
Why is it so easy to believe that there's someone out there for your friends but so damn hard to believe someone's out there for you?
I spend my waking hours dreaming of my first home. It is cozy with wooden floors, crown molding, and no popcorn cielings. It will be the perfect marriage of function and beauty, and Amelie and I will live happily there.
---The matters of my life that are near and dear to my heart. They don't seem to drip out of me at a steady flow but instead come gushing all at once.
It's pretty sad I don't have very much to write about these days. If you were to ask how I was doing, first I would go into a spiel about how Amelie is doing wonderfully and is growing at the speed of a dandelion and that she is behaving well although she does give me a hard time every half hour or so. Then I might go into certain relations with certain people and share my pleasure that I seem to be getting along with them so very well as of late. And then a minute after the question was posed I'd quite run out of things to say about myself and dive into the latest gossip concerning family, friends and mostly acquaintances. The latter portion of our talk would constitute the majority of my update and before long I'd ask questions about you.
---But you probably don't want to read that crap. Allow me do what I have not done in some time and reflect out loud:
I received an envelope for Valentines Day, filled with pictures from when I backpacked across Europe one summer four years ago. It made me misty eyed.
Amelie makes the greatest gestures with her bright pink lips. She has my eyes and I know this because her right eye is a little squintier than her left. For the last two days she's burst into tears everytime I'd leave the room.
Sometimes I laugh with her. Sometimes I sing to her. I've read her "The Runaway Bunny" more times than I can count. I've shouted at her a handful of times and spanked her butt twice. The idea of leaving her for school this fall makes me ill.
Someone died in the house across the street. Either a suicide or murder, probably a murder. Last night I saw my next door neighbor get assaulted after dark as I was looking out my window. I'm beginning to think my neighborhood is not as safe as it looks.
I am still in unrequited love. (now more than ever?) Can't bring myself to have casual "relations" to "get over it." (<---- Was my NY resolution) but have been pretty good about ignoring my feelings. Time can change everything... a new season of my life.
One best friend is getting ready to revisit two continents. Another is returning home from the other side of the planet. Yet another is in relationship woe. I however have been lacking in "relations" for nearly a year.
Why is it so easy to believe that there's someone out there for your friends but so damn hard to believe someone's out there for you?
I spend my waking hours dreaming of my first home. It is cozy with wooden floors, crown molding, and no popcorn cielings. It will be the perfect marriage of function and beauty, and Amelie and I will live happily there.
---The matters of my life that are near and dear to my heart. They don't seem to drip out of me at a steady flow but instead come gushing all at once.
2.13.2005
1.17.2005
I'm still entrenched in my campaign to help Amelie sleep on her own. I've employed the "pick-up, put down" method - that is I leave Amelie to lay in her crib or sit in a carseat as long as I can. When she cries I pick her up and soothe her, but I put her back down the minute she stops crying. This is the English nanny approach and it's produced results already. I can put her down for a good amount of time before she starts calling for me to hold her. However to get her to sleep on her own I do have to let her cry it out a bit. I sit patiently over her crib, hold her wee hands and tell her that I'm not going to leave her. Basically give her verbal reassurance for whatever it's worth to a baby that can't talk yet. Eventually she'll fall asleep from what seems like sheer exxhaustion as she lowers her tear-drenched eyelids and drifts off to sleep. Inevitably she'll jerk in her sleep and wake herself up terrified, so I make sure to swaddle her as she approaches dreamland.
I have doubts about my methodology. This English nanny approach is more middle-of-the-road than others I've read about. While I can put her down for longer amounts of time she seems even more terrified of falling asleep than usual. When I place her in her crib she holds on tightly to my arm and when she cries and I don't pick her up immediately she seems so terrified. Hyperventilation, tremors, the whole deal. I want to take it slowly, e.g. expecting her to sleep on her own only once a day this week and then perhaps more next week, but I wonder if letting her sleep in my arms at all is working against what I'm trying to accomplish, like trying to break a bad habit that I'm concurrently reinforcing. On the other hand, I want to hold her in her sleep occasionally and maybe she still needs and can benefit from that kind of closeness with me. OR maybe I'm simply prolonging her suffering and should let her cry it out completely, get all the expectations out of her system and simply Ferberize this baby already!
It's like I have an English nanny, Dr. Sears and Ferber himself (if in fact Ferber is an actual man) all sitting on my shoulder and arguing.
Perhaps mothering all comes down to instinct. In the end there will always be a book that says what you are doing is wrong (each book gives harrowing accounts of sorry, worn out parents who didn't follow their rules) and there will always be a book that will tell you what you are doing is right. Nobody can tell you what is the right way to care for your baby except for yourself. I most naturally fall into the Sears method of attachment parenting but 3 mos. into being a mom, my one buff Popeye arm is telling me that I can't carry Amelie all of the time and I can't just give in every time my baby cries.
It's three months already! Can you believe it? I read this wonderful passage from "The Baby Whisperer" that you should all take to heart once you have children:
"Taking care of a baby is but a tiny blip on the radar of life - clear, sharp and sadly irretrievable." So no matter how much I complain I'll say it now and again: I simply love being Amelie's mother. She is so incredible and I feel blessed with the time off of school to really give my all to her. Don't let me scare you with my stories of how much I wish I could smoke and escape because I know now that this is a much higher calling. I know I talk about this kid so much but hey, it's great and I love it.
I have doubts about my methodology. This English nanny approach is more middle-of-the-road than others I've read about. While I can put her down for longer amounts of time she seems even more terrified of falling asleep than usual. When I place her in her crib she holds on tightly to my arm and when she cries and I don't pick her up immediately she seems so terrified. Hyperventilation, tremors, the whole deal. I want to take it slowly, e.g. expecting her to sleep on her own only once a day this week and then perhaps more next week, but I wonder if letting her sleep in my arms at all is working against what I'm trying to accomplish, like trying to break a bad habit that I'm concurrently reinforcing. On the other hand, I want to hold her in her sleep occasionally and maybe she still needs and can benefit from that kind of closeness with me. OR maybe I'm simply prolonging her suffering and should let her cry it out completely, get all the expectations out of her system and simply Ferberize this baby already!
It's like I have an English nanny, Dr. Sears and Ferber himself (if in fact Ferber is an actual man) all sitting on my shoulder and arguing.
Perhaps mothering all comes down to instinct. In the end there will always be a book that says what you are doing is wrong (each book gives harrowing accounts of sorry, worn out parents who didn't follow their rules) and there will always be a book that will tell you what you are doing is right. Nobody can tell you what is the right way to care for your baby except for yourself. I most naturally fall into the Sears method of attachment parenting but 3 mos. into being a mom, my one buff Popeye arm is telling me that I can't carry Amelie all of the time and I can't just give in every time my baby cries.
It's three months already! Can you believe it? I read this wonderful passage from "The Baby Whisperer" that you should all take to heart once you have children:
"Taking care of a baby is but a tiny blip on the radar of life - clear, sharp and sadly irretrievable." So no matter how much I complain I'll say it now and again: I simply love being Amelie's mother. She is so incredible and I feel blessed with the time off of school to really give my all to her. Don't let me scare you with my stories of how much I wish I could smoke and escape because I know now that this is a much higher calling. I know I talk about this kid so much but hey, it's great and I love it.
1.14.2005
My head utterly spins when I try to devise a plan to get Amelie to sleep on her own. Nobody ever told me this before I had a child, but it seems that many children do not know how to sleep on their own. I've read that it's something that is learned naturally, like walking, but not a skill that people are born with.
A lot of people, especially men, tell me to simply leave her in her crib and let her cry it out. It makes perfect sense, and there is quite a bit of literature supporting this method of "sleep training." Doing it is not quite as easy as it sounds. First of all, there is no way you can ignore a crying baby, not your own or anyone else's. There is a trigger in our brains that tell a mother to come running when their baby is crying. That's why this method is often called the hardest, but perhaps the most effective because sleep problems will melt away in less time and therefore produce less crying in the long run. This method also claims that babies will get better sleep, and therefore will be more refreshed and ready to learn when they're awake.
An opposing theory advocates that babies are new to this world and need to be nurtured and held nearly as often as they would like. This is called "attachment parenting" and is probably most in line with what I've been employing as a mother. I carry Amelie all the time, I sleep with the little darling by my side and I pretty much do whatever I can to soothe the little monster. I love it most of the time, but you can imagine how tiring it is to carry my fat little baby around, especially when I need to do things around the house (like eat and shower and my laundry). I have no problems putting her to bed at night, but during the day she is forever fussing and dropping off to sleep in my arms, only to wake up again at her displeasure. I feel that for all the hard work I'm putting in, she's hardly a happy little baby and not getting a really full rest.
Finally, there's a middle of the road approach that requires you to pick up your baby and soothe them when they are crying, but by all means to put them down when they have stopped and to make sure they are sleeping independently at a young age. Truthfully this is the hardest and probably requires the most patience. It's hard on many levels - it really makes you assess what it is you're doing that is reinforcing the baby's undesirable behavior and to own up to teaching the baby her bad habits. In addition, picking up a baby over a hundred times in the course of a night to teach it how to sleep on its own sounds hard and pretty ridiculous. I would just as soon let the baby sleep soundly by my side, and I do. But if I don't do it this way, which is to say sensitively and consistently, and garner all my patience, then I only have myself to blame.
Can you see why my head is spinning?
I'm telling you, parenting is a lot more complicated than just feeding, playing and changing diapers. 80% of my brain is perpetually contemplating just how I will put Amelie to sleep next. Good God, I'm tired and I need a massage. There's a horrible knot in my left shoulder that I'm sure will take several trips to a masseuse to knead out of me.
A lot of people, especially men, tell me to simply leave her in her crib and let her cry it out. It makes perfect sense, and there is quite a bit of literature supporting this method of "sleep training." Doing it is not quite as easy as it sounds. First of all, there is no way you can ignore a crying baby, not your own or anyone else's. There is a trigger in our brains that tell a mother to come running when their baby is crying. That's why this method is often called the hardest, but perhaps the most effective because sleep problems will melt away in less time and therefore produce less crying in the long run. This method also claims that babies will get better sleep, and therefore will be more refreshed and ready to learn when they're awake.
An opposing theory advocates that babies are new to this world and need to be nurtured and held nearly as often as they would like. This is called "attachment parenting" and is probably most in line with what I've been employing as a mother. I carry Amelie all the time, I sleep with the little darling by my side and I pretty much do whatever I can to soothe the little monster. I love it most of the time, but you can imagine how tiring it is to carry my fat little baby around, especially when I need to do things around the house (like eat and shower and my laundry). I have no problems putting her to bed at night, but during the day she is forever fussing and dropping off to sleep in my arms, only to wake up again at her displeasure. I feel that for all the hard work I'm putting in, she's hardly a happy little baby and not getting a really full rest.
Finally, there's a middle of the road approach that requires you to pick up your baby and soothe them when they are crying, but by all means to put them down when they have stopped and to make sure they are sleeping independently at a young age. Truthfully this is the hardest and probably requires the most patience. It's hard on many levels - it really makes you assess what it is you're doing that is reinforcing the baby's undesirable behavior and to own up to teaching the baby her bad habits. In addition, picking up a baby over a hundred times in the course of a night to teach it how to sleep on its own sounds hard and pretty ridiculous. I would just as soon let the baby sleep soundly by my side, and I do. But if I don't do it this way, which is to say sensitively and consistently, and garner all my patience, then I only have myself to blame.
Can you see why my head is spinning?
I'm telling you, parenting is a lot more complicated than just feeding, playing and changing diapers. 80% of my brain is perpetually contemplating just how I will put Amelie to sleep next. Good God, I'm tired and I need a massage. There's a horrible knot in my left shoulder that I'm sure will take several trips to a masseuse to knead out of me.
