CONFESSIONS OF A RECOVERING NICOTINE ADDICT

I talked to my Dad tonight while sitting at our favorite sushi bar and asked him why he started smoking again after quitting for twelve years. Actually I started out by asking him how much he smoked a day, to which he replied two to three. I was impressed by how he could keep the number so low, and he went on to say that he abstains entirely atleast one day out of the week. So I questionned why he got started again at all. He blamed it on his recent trips to China, citing that peer pressure can be enormous when literally everyone in the most populous country in the world smokes and is constantly whipping out all manner of exotic cigarettes and offering them to you, the former addict.

So I must give snaps to my dad for not letting the smoking get out of hand. It's a little funny, but even in my dreams I struggle with smoking cigarettes. I wish I was smarter and knew I was dreaming so I could have a smoke without feeling guilty about it. That's how I know I'm still terribly addicted, that even an imaginary puff while dreaming can still sent me spiralling out of control. Ten months I havent had a cigarette. I don't have the cravings anymore but I could relapse any moment I think because it would make me feel normal again, the way I used to feel toward life and myself.

The thing is, there are times when I'm all alone and Amelie is crying - and all the shit and stress I try to ignore suddenly wells up to the surface of my being and I think that I would rather be any place and any one but here and myself. And atleast several times I have thought to myself that a six pack, a pack of Camels and a step to sit on would be enough to make it all go away, enough to make me feel comfortable once again in the skin I'm in. Haha, if you still can't believe that I am a mother, my God sometimes neither can I. Being a mother is so natural if you have a kid but I guarantee you, there will be times you won't be able to recognize yourself and you might not even feel like you can relate to the person you were before everything changed.

A six pack, a pack of Camels and a step to sit on. Sounds easy enough, doesn't it? But before I can run with that thought for very long, I have to consider breastfeeding the little one and who's supposed to look after her while I'm sitting on my stoop, and just what sort of influence would my behavior have on this unscarred, perfect little person? Very quickly it's suddenly become the most impossible thing in the world.

Carrie asked me the other day what to appreciate whilst thou art young and untethered by children and I told her, Time for Yourself.

If I may be even more specific now about - What Not to Take for Granted -

It's the chance to Escape, to even dream of Escaping. To stand under the stars and take a moment to pause and think a bit on your own. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter like mad, she is pride and joy and I would never dare leave her. However there are times when I'd just like to do my job, wipe my hands and declare that I am done and kind of forget about it for the rest of the day. You know, come back in the morning when I feel ready to be a mommy again. So I would say that this is what I took for granted most before becoming a mother.

Honorable mentionables:
1. Wearing pretty bras with straps less than an inch wide.
2. People who can really understand what you are going through.
3. The use of both hands - as opposed to using only your dominant hand to do just about everything while curling a thirteen pound weight in your other.